What men told us about childhood experiences that continued to affect their adult lives
“If I had not been able to speak out about what happened to me as a child I would have died from it. I made an active choice to live and chose not to die however this is a very tough choice somedays. I never intended to tell anyone about what happened to me and I feel there are many males out there unable to speak about traumatic events they have endured.”
Rather than asking men about specific predefined childhood experiences, in this study we analysed their own descriptions and looked for recurring patterns across what they told us.
The experiences shared were wide-ranging.
Men spoke about abuse and neglect, but also loneliness, bullying, rejection, bereavement, family instability, body image, neurodiversity, poverty, racism, homophobia and other experiences that had been painful or difficult to navigate.
We analysed these accounts to look for common patterns across what the men told us.
TWO PATTERNS OF UNSAFETY EMERGED
Although the experiences described by men were very different, two broad patterns appeared repeatedly across the data:
1. Internal unsafety – It's not safe to be me
Some men described childhoods in which it felt difficult or unsafe simply to be themselves.
Men talked about feeling different, unwanted, inadequate, ashamed or fundamentally less worthy than other people.
Their accounts included experiences relating to bullying, body image, neurodiversity, sexuality, loneliness, rejection, mental-health difficulties and gendered expectations.
For some men, we suggest these experiences may become tied to painful ideas about who they are and their value to others, such as:
- “I am worthless.”
- “I am a failure.”
- “I am not good enough.”
“I struggled with feelings of worthlessness and trying to understand my identity as a mixed- race black child.”
2. Relational unsafety – Other people are not safe
Across many of the accounts, people and environments that might ordinarily provide safety, care or belonging had instead felt unreliable, rejecting, frightening or absent.
Men described growing up in environments that could feel unsafe in different ways – at home, at school, in their neighbourhoods and within wider society. Their accounts included abuse, neglect, addiction, mental-health difficulties and violence at home; bullying at school; sexual violence, poverty, racism, homophobia, crime and conflict in their neighbourhoods; and painful losses through bereavement, family breakdown or absent caregivers.
We suggest that for some men, these experiences may contribute to enduring fears about people and relationships:
- “I don’t matter to people.”
- “I can’t trust anyone.”
- “People will hurt me”
- “Everyone leaves me.”
“Being sexually abused by adult females that my family trusted and not being able to talk to anyone about it, or worse no one saw them as sexual abuse because they were females and I am a male …”
SUICIDAL PAIN OFTEN BEGAN EARLY
79% of men recalled first experiencing suicidal thoughts before the age of 20.
Among men who had attempted suicide, 68% said their first attempt occurred during childhood or adolescence.
These findings raise urgent questions about how early suicidal pain develops – and how critical early-life interventions and support are.
double jeopardy
Childhood experiences do not happen separately from the culture in which boys grow up.
Boys who experience adversity in childhood may face a double jeopardy – two separate disadvantages or pressures at the same time, which can make the overall impact worse.
- First, they may carry the emotional impact of difficult childhood experiences such as abuse, neglect or bullying.
- Second, they may grow up with social and cultural messages that boys and men should be strong, hide vulnerability, remain in control, and deal with problems on their own.
Over time, that combination may leave some men increasingly isolated with their distress.
Men may be left with significant emotional pain, while also having learned to suppress it rather than express it or seek support.
This may create a kind of double jeopardy: painful childhood experiences can leave psychological wounds, while cultural norms of masculinity may make some of those wounds harder to acknowledge or receive support for.
WHY THIS WORK MATTERS
The men in this study described many recognised childhood adversities — abuse, neglect, bullying and family difficulties.
But they also described experiences that are sometimes less visible in conversations about childhood trauma: loneliness, body-image difficulties, neurodiversity-related challenges, romantic abuse, sibling abuse and gendered stigma.
Taken together, their accounts suggest that psychological safety may be an important way of thinking about childhood and later suicidal distress.
- Feeling safe enough to develop a secure sense of yourself.
- Feeling safe enough to trust other people.
- Feeling that care will be available when you need it.
This does not mean every man who experiences childhood adversity will become suicidal. Nor does it mean there is one pathway from childhood pain to suicide.
Our findings also suggest we are currently failing many boys who are exposed to harms in childhood.
Too often, we only talk about boys as a potential risk to others – and not enough about the boys at risk.
Boys who are being harmed – by their homes, their schools, their communities. Boys who feel unsafe, unseen, or alone. Boys who are carrying a pain so big they are already thinking about suicide.
If we want to prevent male suicide, we need to listen to boys’ distress sooner – and respond much earlier.
RESEARCH TEAM
- Dr Susie Bennett, University of Glasgow
- Professor Katie Robb, University of Glasgow
- Dr Tiago Zortea, University of Glasgow & Oxford
- Professor Rory O’Connor, University of Glasgow